What I Want to Know

From the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, responsible for enforcing Federal laws related to discrimination and harassment:

Sexual Harassment

It is unlawful to harass a person (an applicant or employee) because of that person’s sex. Harassment can include “sexual harassment” or unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical harassment of a sexual nature.

Harassment does not have to be of a sexual nature, however, and can include offensive remarks about a person’s sex. For example, it is illegal to harass a woman by making offensive comments about women in general.

Both victim and the harasser can be either a woman or a man, and the victim and harasser can be the same sex.

Although the law doesn’t prohibit simple teasing, offhand comments, or isolated incidents that are not very serious, harassment is illegal when it is so frequent or severe that it creates a hostile or offensive work environment or when it results in an adverse employment decision (such as the victim being fired or demoted).

The harasser can be the victim’s supervisor, a supervisor in another area, a co-worker, or someone who is not an employee of the employer, such as a client or customer.


Hearing all the news lately, it is tempting to say all men are pigs.  However, I know many fine men and, unfortunately, I have known a few women who were completely capable of harassment.

Like sexual assault, there is a concerning balance of power issue at play.

As I understand assault, it involves attempted or actual physical harm.  The harm alluded to in the above definition of harassment seems to have to do with either an uncomfortable feeling (hostile environment) and adverse impact on job security.  It almost seems more benign that assault.  Is it?  Because sometimes psychological harm lingers longer than the physical.

Harassment becomes illegal when it is severe or frequent.  This is not simple teasing (bad enough) or offhand comments (I’ve made them but I learn quickly from adverse reaction) or isolated incidents (whoops, so sorry).  Things happen and you say, “Not okay.”  Not to blame victims, but if you don’t confront the small things some get the idea they are okay.


What I want to know is what do we call sexual advances, requests for “favors” or inappropriate language of a sexual nature when it is not part of the workplace environment?  It’s still harassing, right?  But is it illegal? (I’ll note here that I took a career aptitude test when I was in college and my aptitude for anything law related was nearly zero.  I supposed I could have had a legal career, but I would have had to always act in a way that was the opposite of every instinct of thought and action that I own.)

I also want to know if there are women out there who have never experienced some level of discomfort in the presence of someone else’s acting out in a sexual way?  I had a dentist who had to wipe his hands each time he put them in my mouth (way before the days of latex gloves).  Of course the most convenient place to wipe them was down the paper bib covering my young breasts and giving a little squeeze along the way.  My sister din’t have breasts yet but he wanted to play a game with her called “touch tongues.”  So gross.  So completely unprofessional.

And why didn’t we ever tell our parents, you might wonder. Well, we didn’t want our dad to go to jail for killing the guy.  This experience made us uncomfortable for sure but did it harm us psychologically?  I just think it made us feisty feminists and pretty darn good at recognizing and avoiding predators.


Some people are pigs.  Some just plain don’t know any better.  But it’s time for us all to say, “Stop it!”


7 thoughts on “What I Want to Know

  1. I was visiting a psychiatrist, and he was rubbing himself while I talked. I was afraid to say anything. I did not go back. There is something about feeling guilty.
    Also, you feel like a fool, if you cannot handle it. These perps are awful and insidious. I’ve been taken advantage of my men in positions of power. You feel so naive when you find yourself in a precarious position.
    The worst was a female principal who bullied me, though. I reported her and they counseled her. I took a month off work.


  2. As a shy, quiet, introverted child, teen, and young adult, I really was not socially active enough to have been exposed to opportunities of sexual harassment. As an educator, an elementary teacher, I worked mostly with women. Principals were men but they did not engage in harassment, at least not with me. As an adult over the age of 40, I became a very strong individual who no one would dare to harass. Or maybe I was just never sexy enough. Anyway I can’t really say “me too”. For that I am fortunate.
    As more cases are exposed daily, I get the impression that you are more likely to be punished for your transgressions if you are famous. What about all those “little guys” out there who are just as guilty? Are they getting the message?


  3. What I would like to see is that the current flurry of allegations become the tipping point where society says NO MORE, rather than the usual shock, disbelief, and then sweeping it back under the carpet. As long as it is treated as an unusual aberration, rather than recognized as the systemic problem that it is, I fear we will have these episodic bouts of “oh my God, how can this happen” and the crap will just keep going on.

    The real solution, get equal number of women in all levels of management, as well as the vaunted glass ceilings, and let them make and enforce the rules. When the women reach a critical mass, the roosters will start behaving.

    I find it especially heart breaking that many women will fail to report harassment because they don’t want to see a colleague fired and his family to suffer. Women have more compassion for the fates of these abusive men, than the abusive men have for themselves. Amazing!

    In answer to your question regarding are there any women who have not experienced some discomfort, I have never met one. I worked with a lot of women engineers and professionals and all of the ones that I established a personal rapport had stories of harassment, sexism, and often outright misogyny at some point in their lives and careers.

    Unfortunately, my assessment is that yes we men on average are pigs. But most of us can be taught, and for those who can’t be taught, they can be made afraid.


  4. Yikes, your dentist was one sick man. I agree, it is hard today to see people we thought we knew turn out to be “pigs”. Every day we see someone else fall. I wonder if the exposure is happening also at the local bank or shoe store where there is no media to cover the event. I hope so. At least I think all men have been put on notice.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m judging the situation by the following: What if someone said/did it to your Wife? Your Sister? Your Child? If a man said/did to your teenage daughter would you be offended? If it strikes you as wrong when it happens to a loved one, then it is wrong for all women.

    Liked by 2 people

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